Big Bang

It was a typical weekday morning: I was running late to work as usual, and trying to beat the clock during rush hour traffic in time for my meeting. Then suddenly, everything came to a standstill and for a moment, none of it mattered. I saw a utility truck violently collide into a sedan just as I was driving by in the opposite lane. The cold wet air outside started filling with trepidation as I saw glass shattering and heard sirens blaring. I almost don’t know what was worse – the deafening clash of the hood into the rear of the car – or actually witnessing the crash with my very own eyes.

We’ve all been bystanders in roadside crashes – and some of us unfortunate ones – have even been in one – but never have I actually seen it happen “live.” Later that morning when I finally proceeded to making my way to work, I thought about what I had seen just a couple of hours earlier. I wondered if the victim had a chance to say “I love you” before she left the house that morning. I wondered if she even had anyone to say that to. I wondered what regrets the offender had – “I wish I hadn’t picked up that call” – or “I wish I wasn’t so reckless.” I also wondered what others, like me who were stuck in the jam, were thinking; “Damn, I should’ve left my house 5 minutes sooner.” What about the EMTs and the cops? “I’ve seen worse” – or “This is going to be a messy one.”

This isn’t my feeble attempt at recreating the Oscar winning movie “Crash,” but it does make me wonder – one horrific event, everything leading up to it, thereafter, and the multiple people it touches. All of our lives are so interwoven in today’s modern world that it’s hard not to affect someone by your actions – no matter how innocent or deadly they may be.

Love is Like a Bottle of Gin

By: The Magnetic Fields
Lyrics -

It makes you blind, it does you in
It makes you think you're pretty tough
It makes you prone to crime and sin
It makes you say thing off the cuff
It's very small and made of glass
and grossly over-advertised
It turns a genius into an ass
and makes a fool think he is wise
It could make you regret your birth
or turn cartwheels in your best suit
It costs a lot more than it's worth
and yet there is no substitute
They keep it on a higher shelf
the older and more pure it grows
It has no color in itself
but it can make you see rainbows
You can find it at the Bowery
or you can find it at Elaine's
It makes your words more flowery
It makes the sun shine, makes it rain
You just get what they put in
and they never put in enough
Love is like a bottle of gin
but a bottle of gin is not like love

Lost & Found

It’s common knowledge that I’m somewhat directionally challenged while driving (and often times, walking as well). Now it’s official that I’m pretty lost when it comes to navigating through my so-called love life too. I’m not sure when or how a seemingly simple straight road turned into a maze with no beginning and no end, but the longer I keep treading, the more lost – and frustrated – I seem to get.

Apparently the adage, “take the road less traveled” was not meant for me. Every time I try to venture out onto uncharted territory, I end up driving an extra 30 minutes… in the opposite direction. It finally occurred to me – as I was getting lost for the umpteenth time this past weekend – that my heart tends to follow the same course. Even with a clear destination in mind, for some reason or another, I veer off course and end up wasting time and going the wrong way.

Finding things in life isn't necessarily the hard part -- you'll find a great guy for every jerk you meet; you'll find a guy that wants to spoil you... a guy that wants ravish you... a guy that wants you want him.... a guy you want all to yourself. You can find it all -- but until you find it all in a single person, you'll be left -- well -- single.

Whether it’s intentional or accidental, one thing that I’ve learned from my years of getting lost and found is that getting off track isn’t such a bad thing, after all. Sure it wears my tires out, adds unnecessary mileage, increases my blood pressure… but at the end of the day, it exposes me to new roads – and it shows that sometimes it doesn’t matter how you reach your destination, as long as you find your way.

Fight vs. Flight

Something fascinating happened two years ago: I left an insecure, conniving, unfaithful guy, that I made the mistake of calling my boyfriend for five arduous years. I finally learned how to cut my loses and walk away. I kept thinking it was a war between me and the “other woman” – until I realized what it was that I was truly fighting for. I was struggling to be with a guy that would have essentially promised a lifelong of suspicion, dishonor, and resentment. And it wasn’t until I finally walked away far enough that I realized what a fool I had been to try to win a losing battle. And it wasn’t until today that I realized what a fool I had been to think that I actually lost.

What it all boils down to is a simple concept I learned in psychology class. In a threatening situation, your mind and body must decide between combating the obstacle and averting it altogether. For instance, let’s say you’re minding your own business and taking a stroll in the park, and a man suddenly creeps up from behind to assault you. Presuming your lack of preparedness or level of expertise in martial arts, your initial instinct would be to run. You can fight the perpetrator or you can fleet from the danger.

In my case, I did both. My ex made an assault on my trust, family, and feelings. But I chose to fight it. How naïve I was. It wasn’t until I fled that mock of a relationship that I finally felt safe – safe from being made a fool and being hurt… over and over again. Fast forward to the present: He’s marrying the girl he habitually lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and continues to disrespect by attempting to correspond with me. He’s venturing into a lifelong commitment when the only thing he’s ever been able to commit to is covering his ass. So when I still see his number on my caller ID, or see his name in my inbox, or see his picture with his fiancé, I’m not reminded of the war injuries – instead, I thank God that I had enough sense to realize that the victory wasn’t worth the fight.

Eyes Wide Shut

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real, yet you wished was anything but that? A dream that blurred the lines between fact and fiction so much that it made you cringe at the mere thought of it? A dream that suspended your reality and trapped you in state between insomnia and frighteningly alert? I had such a dream – and it scared the bejesus out of me.

Ironic how our minds work, isn’t it? Normally, when our dreams take us to fantasy land and show us grandiose visions, our mind is so quick to shove them to the abyss of our subconscious. Yet when we’re shown the grave and stark images of evil, there’s nothing we can do to erase them.

For once, I’m actually going to refrain from sharing the details of this vivid dream – mainly because I’d rather just forget about it completely, than have this blog serve as a constant reminder. A million thoughts cross our minds daily, but the other handful that we push aside, resurface from our subconscious into our dreams, and open up our eyes to the possibilities that lay beneath – even with our eyes wide shut.