Torn

It's been a while since I've sat down in this thought chamber - not because I haven't been compelled to write, but mainly because words escaped me - even though I could feel them trapped inside my head, bouncing around from one corner to the next.

A lot has changed in my life in the past couple of months. While new relationships have been formed, some old ones have been strained. A close family member has been diagnosed with cancer - an illness, that only seemed to plague the Armstrongs of the world and acquaintances, suddenly hit home. I've started grad school (and anxiously counting down to 2011). I've put on an apron and attempted to add "domestic goddess" to my short-list of accomplishments. I've developed a love-hate relationship with my blackberry. I've taken sudden interest in politics - thanks to our interesting line up of D.C. bound candidates. I've visited a third world country and experienced it like never before - with sweat, tears, and hugs - lots of them.

I guess what I'm saying is I've done some growing up lately, and frankly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. But with it, there's been a growing sense of melancholy inside of me, and I don't know what to attribute it to. I put on a coat of lipstick and a smile everyday to mask this feeling gnawing away at my heart. Am I discouraged? Disappointed? Depressed? Defeated? Maybe. Yes. No. I don't know.

As a friend recently aptly put it: "I want a life unlike my own." I want that too, but for some reason, I'm overridden with guilt as I think that. Why am I complaining? I have a roof over my head - something that the former residents of Galveston, Texas would appreciate. I have two loving parents that any of the orphans from Copprome would cherish. I have years left in my body, before any threatening cells attack it.

Some may even think that "I have it all," though at times, I feel like it's nothing at all. So why do I have this sinking feeling? I know I'm torn... just unsure between what.

Faith & Funds

www.faithandfunds.com

He’s a proud son, a baby brother, a loving husband, a doting father, a caring uncle, and most recently… a cancer patient. My uncle, Pankaj Modi, was recently diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), a cancer of the myeloid line of white blood cells, characterized by the rapid proliferation of abnormal cells which accumulate in the bone marrow and interfere with the production of normal blood cells. The symptoms of AML are caused by replacement of normal bone marrow with leukemic cells, resulting in a drop in red blood cells, platelets, and normal white blood cells. These symptoms include fatigue, shortness of breath, easy bruising and bleeding, and increased risk of infection. Although several risk factors for AML have been identified, the specific cause of AML remains unclear. As an acute leukemia, AML progresses rapidly and is typically fatal within weeks or months if left untreated.

Acute myeloid leukemia is a potentially curable disease; but only a minority of patients are cured with current therapy. Treatment of AML consists primarily of chemotherapy, and is divided into two phases: induction and postremission (or consolidation) therapy. The goal of induction therapy is to achieve a complete remission by reducing the amount of leukemic cells to an undetectable level; the goal of consolidation therapy is to eliminate any residual undetectable disease and achieve a cure. Although he’s currently taking oral chemotherapy and ayurvedic medicine, we’re still exploring alternative solutions, including hematopoietic stem cell transplant. Despite aggressive therapy, however, only 20%–30% of patients enjoy long-term disease-free survival.

Typically people who develop AML are around the age of 60, but my Uncle is just shy of 40. This isn’t a race with time, but rather, a test of our faith, the power of humanity, and the strength of body and mind. So today, I ask you not as a daughter, a sister, a niece, or even a friend… but simply as a believer that people can unite for a common cause: to give my Uncle another chance at life so he can continue on to becoming a survivor.

"Little Wonders"

By: Rob Thomas

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know the hardest part is over
let it in, let your clarity define you in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours, these small hours still remain
let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours, these small hours still remain
all of my regret will wash away some how
but i can not forget the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours these small hours,
still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

Unearthed*

I generally don't post stuff on my blog written by others, irrespective how good or relevant it is. But there's a first time for everything so I'm making an exception. The following is an email I received from an acquaintance. And I stress the word acquaintance rather than friend, because this person knows nothing about me yet understands me better than my own friends perhaps. This email captures that essence that I've been struggling to find...


Maybe I do have you confused with someone else? The girl I am refering to is mentally tough, insightful, adamant, & always sure of herself. The only time she crumbles is when her love life fails to add up like it should. The problem is within the numbers. Out of 98% of the guys she meets, they just fail to impress. The other 2% that come close to what she is looking for bring a certain hope and possibility. This hope/possibility mixed with a certain void or loneliness can lead to a bad combination of judgement. The question is at what point was the person following their heart, and at what point was it a certain void and loneliness that dictated their emotions?

Sometimes a person finds themselves heartbroken not because of the person who broke it, but rather the fact that they are forced to let go of that one thing they were holding on to. Once their hopes are crushed, with no one to hold on to, and no one in the horizon to look forward to.... the big empty void feels bigger then ever. This is the reason why they feel heartbroken, lost, & 100 other emotions. They are disappointed at themselves, they feel let down again, and that bleak outlook fogs up optimism. That big void consumes so much energy, that they question if they will ever find what they are looking for. They question their own strength & insight, and they have to channel through their emotions until they find a way to recharge their emotional batteries. They want that peace of mind, but their head is a mess.

*for those of you who know what my name means

The Truth About Truth

Hurt... crushed rather. Disappointed and disgusted. Furious yet composed. These are my feelings, raw and unedited. I didn't seem to mind much when you didn't give me the time, the attention, or even a sign. I didn't seem to care that it was a one way street, because I liked you... "you." But I hardly even knew you; and now that I do, I know the truth. I didn't wanna hear it, but I had to. I didn't wanna believe it, but I do. I didn't want it to end this way, but it has to. The truth of the matter is, I wish it were all a lie, but it isn't. I wish you could tell me, it isn't so... it isn't so... but it is. Maybe this is another one of life's ironies: first I lost my heart, and now I lost all respect for you.

Keep It Movin'

People lie, pictures lie, but a scale does not lie. No no. When my Mom started calling me fat, I scoffed at her thinking she’s delusional. When my friends commented on my protruding assets, I took a sigh of relief thinking I finally hit puberty. I guess sooner or later, I was going to have to retire my “skinny bitch” t-shirt because all those years of burritos and mozzarella sticks were bound to catch up to me.

So I decided to do the unthinkable… the impossible… the invincible: diet. The mere word is almost as scary as the thought of me stepping foot inside a gym. But I knew that eventually one of us was going to have to go: either my love for cheese or my figure. Being the typical self-conscious woman I am, I chose the former, of course.

Diet day 1: All the temptation demons are after me like a dog chasing a ball – they just keep coming back. I decided to severe ties with my old friends, Dunkin and Wendy, because they served more harm than good. My body retaliated as every muscle in my stomach started growling louder by the minute. All the billboards for McDonald’s seem to have suddenly triple in size and are flashing in neon lights. (And I don’t even like hamburgers!) Forget mind over matter – this was becoming personal – it was mind over platter. I hungered for food like recovering alcoholics thirst for liquor – I didn’t need it, but I wanted it, because I knew I was depriving myself of it.

The more I tried not to think about stuffing my face with 500 calories of greasy carbs, the less I succeeded. All my life, I was blessed with a fast metabolism and a petite figure. But gone are the days when stepping on a scale were a breeze, and size 0 clothes adorned my closet. I refuse though – I refuse to live a life full of self-deprivation and nutritional dieting. I want to have my cake and eat it too dammit!

I finally decided it was time for an intervention. So Avani-the-dating-extraordinaire stepped in and said to Avani-the-blossoming-cow: “You’ve given up stuff plenty of times before. This should be piece of cake (no pun intended). Remember the time I gave up on the guy formerly known as P-Dub? Or what about my childhood crush that I pined over for 4 years? Or the time I stopped pretending to care about cars because that guy was an auto junkie?” And so on and so forth the spiel went.

The more I thought about it, I realized that dieting was a lot like getting over a guy. Ultimately, they both require me to fight every instinct I have to act on impulse. What I really want is a large order of fries, but I stuff an apple down. Sure, I’d like to pick up the phone and call him, but I pick up a book instead. It becomes a torturous process of unsatisfactory substitutions. It really just comes down to moving on – from the “what used to be” to “what needs to be.”

Moving on is something else I’m not terribly apt at; I’ve only moved twice in my life: once from the motherland to America and then once within Jersey. Moving furniture or changing addresses isn’t really the hard part. Moving from somewhere is easy – it’s the moving on from someone that’s difficult. I can neatly store all of my belongings inside a big box, load the truck, dispense the keys and be gone. But how do I do that when someone lives inside of me – inside that little beating organ that seems to pump out more memories than blood? How do I change the locks when someone else holds the key to my heart?

I repeat it like a mantra, “I can do it, I can do it…” Interestingly enough, it’s the same pep talk I give to myself right before I swallow a pill (it’s a phobia that took me years to overcome, and one that I still try to avoid at all possible cost). If there was a magic pill I could take that would cure me of all symptoms related to being sprung, then by all means, bringeth to thy. When you start liking someone, it just sort of happens. Yet when it’s time to undo the liking (not to be confused with “disliking”), it takes every ounce of effort to control your thoughts and actions from leading to that one inevitable destination: your crush.

If practice makes perfect, then all recurring acts should eventually be carried out with supple buoyancy and efficiency. Optimal word being: should. Such is not the case unfortunately, my friend. Granted, you learn from your mistakes, so previous failed attempts and its consequences can be avoided the next time around. Yes, in a perfect world, practice makes perfect. But alas, our imperfections stand in the way like a speed bump – only further slowing us down when we’re trying to speed things up. But if it weren’t for my imperfections, I wouldn’t be the pudgy 113 pound girl head over heels a guy who barely thinks of me. And sometimes, honesty isn’t such a bad thing either.

Is it worth it?

I tried -- I really did. I tried to write about things that were unnatural to me, and I got a writer's block the size of Manhattan -- as if all of my words went on a strike, demanding me to return to normal working conditions. So here I am -- a month later -- back at last.

First and foremost, those inquiring minds can rest at ease -- I am no longer enlisting my services to a third world country for a two year stretch -- at least not in the immediate future. The Peace Corps requires the kind of commitment I can't afford. As much as being part of a greater good is rewarding, I've decided to shelf that idea for now.

Going through the application made me realize the things I value dearly in life: functioning and sanitized toilets, for starters; the internet, a war-free zone country, and my family to name a few others. The application process really makes you question your true reasoning and intentions for joining the Peace Corps. I thought about it for a while -- dug deep down in the depths of my stomach (because you have to crave it – hunger for it), hoping for some holy awakening that would give me a sign that the Peace Corps was for me, just as much as I was for it. I eventually realized that I was trying to convince myself more than the Peace Corps committee of why I should be qualified.

Turns out that I'm, in fact, not qualified because I lack the ability to sacrifice. I'm not willing to give up witnessing my niece and nephew's childhoods. I'm not willing to trade my familiar complicated life here for a foreign complicated life there. Nor am I willing to put this life on pause, only to find it fast forwarded to '2 years later' when I return.

We make small sacrifices on a daily basis, often times inconspicuously. Then there are those occasional days when I fast for some preordained religious custom. I'll have to forego many mouth watering urges and trips to the vending machine -- all in hopes of not receiving bad karma from Mr. Almighty himself (or at least that’s what I tell myself). As cynical as I am of these fasting practices, I do give credence to them. Fasting teaches you to give up something without getting something in return. In this materialistic world, we've grown accustomed to extending our one hand to give, as we reach with the other to receive. At times we sacrifice our pride for love, food for weight, vacation for work, liver for liquor, comfort for fashion, independence for marriage, life for our country, divorce for the sake of children, and even friendship for a night of passion.

Ironic isn’t it? Some of the most priceless things in life actually come with a hefty price tag. It makes us question whether what we desire is truly worth it. And I’m slowly beginning to find out that sometimes the things I like… aren’t necessarily the things I want.

Message in a Bottle

I’ve been having dreams about my grandfather lately – nightmares almost, rather. In them, I find him dead in the same disturbing manner every time, even though he died peacefully over three years ago. I wasn’t sure what to make of them – is it suppressed guilt emerging for not being able to resuscitate him, as I watched his life slip away in disbelief? Or is it a sign of things to come? With nowhere to turn for answers, I turned to the next best source: Google. Turns out that dreams about death, on the contrary, actually symbolize rebirth – the start of something new and fresh. According to most sites, dreams about death are common and often mean that some part of the self needs to be radically reworked – whether it’s one's attitudes, emotions, or relationships. Bingo.

Suddenly it all became clear; I had a startling epiphany a couple of days ago. On my way home from work, I was recounting to a friend the turn of events of the day, and at one point, I just broke down and cried. I cried – not because of what was said or done, but because I finally realized the person I had turned into. As if someone brought forth a mirror that I had feared gazing into for a long time. This isn’t me or who I wanted to become, I thought – then how the hell did I let it happen? Too many chick flicks, I presume, but that’s the easy answer. At some point during the last two years, I embarked on a voyage in search of finding the guy I was destined to be with. I wanted someone to love, and started holding on to any guy who gave me the faintest notion of “this could be it.” And with each pit stop on this long road, I’d wonder, “Are we there yet?” One thing I became really proficient with overtime, was the ability to deflect blame onto others and circumstances, rather than the one person who was at fault the most: me.

Posing as the victim allowed me to curse everything and everyone but myself. Long distance, age gap, no spark, incompatible, insensitive, insecure, arrogant, unattractive, boring, too nice, too short… the list of excuses is endless. After all, there’s a perfectly reasonable correlation between every cause and effect, but I never dared pointed the finger at myself. Anytime I ended things, I’d justify it by telling myself, I’m not breaking hearts… I’m just crushing egos. Yet, whenever a guy ended it, I’d be relentless in my pursuit of happiness that I intrinsically believed lied in his companionship. That was me Friday. Time of death: 6:12pm.

After reflecting in that X-ray mirror long and hard, I finally came to terms with the fact that I’m a victim of my own crimes. “Whoso diggeth a pit, shall fall therein” as the saying goes. Well, I’m finally throwing my shovel away. I’m tired of dating, going through the motions, hoping to be interested, and acting surprised when things don’t end in “happily ever after” - especially when I could anticipate the outcome all along. Maybe there is some truth to too much of a good thing, and that’s why I’ve decided to stop dating. Yes, indefinitely, and no, I'm not kidding. Sorry boys.

Somewhere in this search for “him,” I lost myself. And maybe moving thousands of miles away isn’t the answer, but it certainly asks the question: what will be my legacy? When Tim Russert died this week, people around the country mourned the loss, because we lost a brilliant man. When my grandfather passed away, hundreds of people were moved because of the lives he had touched. And it makes me wonder… what will become of me when I’m gone? What will I be remembered for? Beyond a eulogy, what words will be uttered in my memory?

Only time will tell but for now, I’ve decided to join the Peace Corps. Go ahead… I’ll give you a moment to scream out “what?!” Well, it’s quite a lengthy process so I’m not going anywhere immediately, but hopefully, I’ll be leaving soon enough. A seemingly dramatic and an impulsive thing to do – I know – but I need to remove myself from what I am, and be the person that I can become. Maybe I need to make a difference in order to become a different person. After all, the people living in third world countries are the true victims of humanity…of natural catastrophes, atrocities, and maladies. It’s time to stop playing the victim, and start helping them. It’s time to turn that recurring dream into a reality.

Game Over

When we’re young, it’s what we naturally do. Even as we get older, we figure out ways to play them by ourselves, thanks to the wonderful world of Nintendo, Xbox, and most recently, the Wii. Take a stroll through any casino, and you’ll see herds of senior citizens playing them till the wee hours. But once you mature from the playground, remove technology, and throw away the deck of cards, all you’re left with is a tally between the winners and the losers.

I was never good at playing games – be it sports, video, or gambling – I just never had a knack for those things. I liked to think I was good at all of the above, when in reality, I knew someone would call my bluff any minute. But beyond just a skillset, the one thing I lacked the most was the ability to follow the rules. Apparently I never was able to acquire that skill – as much as I wielded myself to try – my heart had a will of its own. And that’s precisely where I faltered. In games, you check your heart and emotions at the door, and enter with nothing but rationale and logic to help you maneuver your way to victory. You see, I try to tell myself to do that. I do… really, but in matters of the heart, “mind over matter” does not hold true.

In fact, when you truly like someone, nothing seems to matter. Like now – I like a guy who has defied me to break all the rules, whereas all he’s done is broken my heart. (So poetic and cheesy, yet so true). In fact, I broke the paramount rule of them all: I pursued him. I know it’s the 21st century; I know women can run a business and a home with equal finesse; hell – we even had a female presidential candidate! Women can do it all – except for one thing: chase a man.

It’s a simple concept that takes time to embrace: if he wants thee, he will come after you and chaseth. Frustrating, isn’t it? Women can push out a nine pound human being out of a nine inch opening – yet we’re not allowed to nudge a guy to pull him towards us? Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason. Men ask women out. Men reach for the check. Men propose to women. It’s really that simple – no mixed signals – no playing games. So leave the scheming and plotting up to the players, because there’s no room for it when you’re in it to lose your heart to someone who’s out to win it.

Modern Day Fairy Tale

Like most children, before I lost my innocence to heartbreaks and the grim realities surrounding us, I too, used to believe in fairy tales. The land of make believe where prince charming triumphs over evil and whisks his princess into the sunset. Once upon a time, I used to believe my prince charming would appear out of the oblivion and save this damsel in distress. The clock has struck twelve, my honda has turned into the value of a pumpkin, but there’s still no sign of the thy prince.

As I was browsing through the children’s books section for my nephew the other day, I wondered, is it wrong to teach kids to be so delusional at such a young impressionable age? After all, we all know Santa Clause isn’t real – as is the tooth fairy, or the monster under the bed. But we read these bed time stories to them anyway. We tell them to leave their broken tooth under the pillow anyway. We do it, because we like to instill a sense of the invisible hand – that mysterious figure that magically transforms life’s problems into happy endings. We do it because it teaches us to believe in love, and its supernatural ability to conquer – well, just about everything.

As we grow through the years, and begin to shed our baby fat and innocence, we still carry the weight of the beliefs engrained in us. Deep down inside, we truly believe that love conquers all – whether that “all” entails betrayal, rejection, or pure evil. But does it? If your husband cheats on you, will your deep-rooted love for him prevail over the hurt, and allow you to forgive him? If the object of your affection breaks your heart, will you be able to woo him by showering him with love and attention? As with most things in life, such answers are never clear and always subjective.

Or do we just rely on the “love conquers all” idiom as a crutch so we can mask the bigger evil: denial. Denial of the non-existent Santa, or the denial of your husband’s affair, or the denial of being unwanted. Let’s face it… we all like to delay coming to terms with the cold hard truth, but sooner or later, we can no longer run from it. Two months ago, I became infatuated with a guy that I had known for several months. It’s as if the “tooth” fairy came in the middle of the night, took a piece of my heart and gave it to him, in exchange for – well, not sure what. Two months ago, his name meant nothing to me, and his presence had no effect on me because he was just some guy. Now I categorize him a tad bit differently; he’s the guy that makes me smile at the mere thought of him, the one that makes me cry, the one that I want to be with because no one else quite makes me feel the same damn way. Unfortunately, the feelings weren’t mutual so I tried to make myself believe that I can live with being “just friends” and that eventually he’ll come around. That was the child in me, ever so fervently naïve, who believed that my feelings would triumph and win him over.

So kids, the moral of this long winded story is this: running away from the truth doesn’t make it disappear, so put your big girl panties on and deal with it; love doesn't conquer all, so when someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings, accept it and move on; and finally, kiss slowly and passionately, but when you do kiss, do so without the hopes of him turning into a prince.